I don't want to do this....

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days when I get into a funk. One of those days when I'm up and down from one minute to the next. One of those days when my temper is short for the sole reason of just wishing my life was different, so I take it out on everyone else (they usually never hear me because it's all in my head). One of those days when I say to myself over and over, "I don't want to do this anymore."

The first part of my day was okay. I went to school for a little while to pick up some Graduation Project stuff to work on. I enjoyed seeing some of my students and colleagues. I'm getting better with "How are you" and "Are you looking forward to coming back", but I don't get "You look good." I get what people mean by that, I truly do, but I'm left wondering if they expected me to look terrible. It makes me a laugh a little.... Don't worry if you've said it to me - I really do understand what you mean by it. I've said it to people myself....but to be on the other side, it's just a little different.

After leaving school, I really didn't want to go home. I decided that since it was December 1st I would get some new flowers for Ayden's spot. It's funny - I have no desire whatsoever to decorate our house for Christmas. Last Christmas we were so excited. We had just found out we were having a boy, and we were looking forward to sharing Christmas with Ayden. How do you celebrate a holiday without your child? Especially this one? I figured that since I didn't want to decorate the house, I could at least decorate his spot. So, I went to the local pottery and picked up some silk flowers. As I was walking around, I just remember feeling so out of place....just lost. Here I am...26 years old....picking out a floral arrangement in memory of my child. I should be showing him the Christmas trees and the ornaments and the pretty lights. I was struck so suddenly that I almost had to leave the store. I took some deep breaths and just kept moving. I do that a lot. I picked out some really pretty red hydrangeas, some holly, and some small, prearranged bouqets. I looked for a "First Christmas" ornament to somehow put on it, but I couldn't find one. Want to experience depression? Look for a first Christmas ornament for the child who is no longer here.... I want him to have one, though....from us, and if it means putting it on his arrangement, so be it. I tried so hard to push the thoughts out of mind - the thought/reality that he has to experience his first Christmas away from us and that on days like today when I really just need to hold him and kiss him....I can't. Sometimes, when I'm buying things like I did today and I see the people around me laughing, buying decorations, smiling with their kids, I just want to scream at them.....and make them all stop and realize that it isn't that easy for some of us.

To make matters worse, it seems like everyone we know has kids these days or is pregnant or just had a baby. I know that isn't the case. However, it's hard to feel any other way. I look at some of our friends our age who have 2...3 kids, and here we are....our one and only child is gone. I don't in any way feel anger or jealously towards them. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't look at them and say, "Why? Why can't that be us? It was us....why did it have to change?" My cousin and his wife just found out they're having a boy. I'm happy for them....I really, truly am. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard. And I know they'll read this, so I have to say that I am in no way upset with them. I'm just upset with life and how unfair it can be sometimes. My cousin and I are really close, and we've always reached many of our milestones together. We are 6 months apart in age, so we are more like siblings. I hate that we both have to live with this now. They found out they were pregnant around the same time we lost Ayden. They didn't know how to tell us. I was proud of my cousin for calling me and telling me....and keeping it together. I truly am so happy for them, but I know they feel a little guilt. And I hate that. I hate that he and I will always have this memory......that he will look at his son and think of the one I lost. Christmas this year will be happy and hard at the same time....and probably a little awkward. Everyone around us tells us that they feel guilty that they have their kids while we have to endure this. I know I would feel the same way if it were someone other than myself.

I've spoken before about how isolating this is. On days like today, I feel so alone....as if I'm in this bubble....looking at the world from the outside looking in because I no longer fit into "normal". I walk around as an observer.....taking it all in and feeling every sting as I'm comfronted with what used to be my life. It's days like today when I forget that Ayden is in Heaven.....that he is where we all hope to be someday....that he will live in a perfect world and we will see him again. On days like today, I just want him back. I just want my baby back. I feel so weak and insignificant on days like today. Just beat down. I feel God trying to remind me....trying to push through, but I let the pain block Him out.

Have I mentioned lately how much I really dislike all of this?

Well, I do.

An accidental artist

My sister and I were recently visiting the Christian bookstore and stumbled across a new little place called The Accidental Artist. Shops have been opening and closing in this shopping center, so we just looked past this one. It's a place where you can go and paint pottery. You pay a studio fee and you pay for the piece you paint, BUT the piece I painted would have easily cost twice as much if I bought it already painted in the store. This one has my personal touch to it, which you can't buy in a store.

I hope they are able to stay in business because I think they have an awesome concept going here. My sister and I started on our projects around 3, and we stayed until closing time - 6pm. In that 3 hour time span, so many people came in to look around, inquire about birthday parties, work on projects, finish projects, etc. I will definitely be going back. I found it very therapeutic, which is great for me these days.

I have had a better few days. It seems that when I have a "bad" week, a "good" (as I say, define "good") week follows. However, I can quickly feel my spirit beginning to lower as a few good days go by. It's inevitable that I will have bad days. I just take them in stride and let them come. I'm learning to live with grief and be okay with the way it affects me. I know it's okay to have bad days. And I know it's okay to have good days. I just take them as they come; it's all I can do.

Take a look at my first piece of painted pottery. I was happy with it, and I think I've found my "signature" for all future projects:

I chose a bowl - this is the inside. I got a little off with my polka dots, but it was trial and error, and it was my first time, so now I know how to fix it in the future...

The outside of my bowl
The bowl will be glazed and fired in a kiln and available for pickup in 4 days. I'll show you the finished product once I get it.

My "signature"

Updated name gallery

Make a Smilebox slideshow

7 months

7 months ago, this was our life.....

7 months ago, as of Friday the 27th, we became a family of 3.

He would be 7 months old.

7 months later, our little family is broken because someone is missing.

The 25th marked 3 months without him.

He is missed every day.

We will miss him with each passing second, minute, hour, day, month, year, milestone, holiday, and tradition.

He should be here, with us....his parents...as it's supposed to be.

The three of us will always be a family, but we will never be whole again until we see him again.

Thank God we know we'll see him again.

Happy 7 months Ayden. We love and miss you more and more with each passing day.

-Mom and Dad

26, 27, 28

Happy Birthday to this guy.......

Jeremy turns 27 today. He keeps talking about how close to 30 it is. I don't feel like we're that close to 30, but 3 years is pretty close. We have celebrated birthdays together since we were seniors in high school, so this marks the 9th birthday I've celebrated with him. He's definitely worth celebrating. And although neither one of us feels much like celebrating anything these days, I hope he enjoys today. He deserves it. Let me share some things with you about Jeremy.

1. He appears quiet and reserved. Those of us who know him best know better....

2. He loves football, and he is an awesome coach. He knows what he's talking about.

3. He loves kids. He is so good with kids. When I first saw him interact with kids, I knew right away that he was going to be a wonderful dad....and he is.

4. He is very patient with me. I can't say he is patient in every area of his life (driving.....), but when it comes to me, he is patient, kind, and compassionate. I love that about him.

5. He is corny and sappy. He laughs at his own jokes and will buy the sappiest card in the store for me. I love both of these traits.

6. He's a thinker and a ponderer. He is married to an impulsive woman who doesn't think much before she does anything. Imagine how that goes sometimes....

7. He loves his family and mine. He truly cherishes the family he has around him.

8. He is protective of my sister.....so watch out.

9. He has a big, tender heart and is willing to help anyone who needs it.

10. He loves his son....so much that I can see the pain in his eyes. I know when he is thinking of Ayden; I can see it. We may not talk about it much because we are both reserved when it comes to grief, but we know each other so well that we don't have to talk all the time about it. This affects him just as harshly as it affects me, and although he may not be as vocal about it as I am, it's there.

There is so much more I could tell you about Jeremy. He is a great guy, and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I've thought a lot about "what if things had been different." Would this have happened IF..... and then I realize, we were brought together for this reason. God knew it 9 years ago when we met. He knew it when we were both born. He knew we would need each other. I can't get angry at God for his timing and for giving us Ayden when he did because if it had been any other month, we wouldn't have been given Ayden. It would have been a completely different child. We couldn't have asked for a sweeter, more perfect baby.

Jeremy is an awesome dad. To see him with Ayden just lit up my day....and Ayden's. Ayden had a connection with Jeremy that he and I didn't have. It was just different. I was his source of comfort and that sweet, cuddly mommy/baby love. Daddy/baby love is different but just as sweet. They had a playful relationship. Jeremy could get Ayden so excited and so happy. He could make him laugh and smile like I never could. Ayden would sit in Jeremy's lap and just "talk" to him....babbling on and on.....and Jeremy would just listen and talk back. Ayden thought it was the greatest. People tell me all the time that Ayden looks just like me. He may look a lot like me in the face, but everywhere else....he's Jeremy. He has big hands and feet (he never wore newborn size shoes...his feet were too big from the get-go) just like Jeremy. He has a long torso and high chest, just like Jeremy. He is laid back and easy going.....like Jeremy.

Jeremy and I have been through so many ups and downs together, and we've always pushed through together. This isn't something we ever anticipated, but we know that together, we'll make it through. I don't tell him enough how thankful I am for him, but I hope he knows. I love him more every day, and I truly don't know what I would do without him.

I titled this post "26, 27, 28" because those are our birthdays - mine is April 26, Ayden's is April 27, and Jeremy's is November 28. When Ayden was born, we realized that our birthday dates have an order....with Ayden in the middle....as he should be. We love that we share this with him.

Happy Birthday Jeremy! I love you and am so thankful for you. Ayden loves you, too and is so proud of his Daddy!

Fondant Cake: Part Three

Well, my fondant cake-making venture has come to an end. A successful end. It's not perfect by any means, but it's my FIRST try, and I'm proud of myself. I can't say I didn't get frustrated, but I didn't get as frustrated as I might have normally. It was hard, but I have to say I enjoyed it. Below are pictures from today and then the finished product. Next time around, I will practice my writing skills before decorating a cake! That's the only part I don't like.....



Jeremy is happy with it, and he can't wait to eat it. I could have gone out and bought a cake, and it would have been close to perfect. But I did this for him...for his day....and I did it by myself (well, I had a little help....). As long as he likes it, I'm happy.

Prepping for rolling out the fondant

Rolling - MUCH harder than I thought it would be

Didn't get a picture of me actually putting the fondant on the cake. That was the hardest part. It tore a little, but I was able to cover it up pretty well.

Pretty yellow dots :)

Starting to come together

Finished product - a girly football cake

Thank you to my mom for helping me with this part.....definitely needed more than 2 hands!

And a special touch on the back.

He will always share every holiday, birthday, celebration with us....

Cake decorating: Part 2

I've been watching Cake Boss a lot. Can you tell? If I start using a northern accent, you'll know why.

This morning, I got up and baked the cake. Jeremy picked out a chocolate fudge cake mix. I'm not brave enough to make the cake itself from scratch yet, but I'll get there. When the cake was almost finished, I started the icing. I have never made icing. If you had asked me how to make icing, I would have looked at you so confused because I have only known icing to come in a can. Now, my mom makes her icing.....so I know it can be done, but I am all about convenience....well, used to be.

So, I began the icing making process. One thing I learned from this process - I will never BUY icing again!!! It turned out to be so incredibly delicious and fluffy! I was very proud of myself. Once the icing was done, the cakes had had time to cool off (thanks to Jeremy helping me out by sitting them outside to cool off....he's good at helping :) ). The next step was icing the cakes. This is the part of cake decorating that I hate. I almost never get the layers on straight. So, I put the filling icing on first and tried to even out the sides. Jeremy so kindly told me that the Cake Boss cuts the top off of his cake before he layers them. He told me this AFTER I had put the layers together. I guess I missed that part on the show. It was too late....the top layer would have fallen apart. So, I had to compensate with icing. I don't think anyone will complain. After I iced the cake....oh, let me use cake boss terms....I "dirty iced" the cake. After I dirty iced the cake, I put it in the fridge to let the icing crust.

I'll leave that in until tonight, then I will put the fondant on. That's going to be the scary part. I'm so proud of myself so far, though! I think I have a knack for this stuff. My mom is really good at the "from scratch" stuff, and so is my grandma, so I guess I come by it honestly. I at least have a small percentage of "knack".

Here are some pictures from this morning:

Cakes baking....(please excuse the pan and pizza stone...)

Icing ingredients

Crisco and butter....mmmmm (I had to ignore this part)

Mixing the Crisco and butter

Finished cakes!

The rest of the ingredients ready for mixing

Mixing the icing

Finished icing - look at that fluffy goodness...

Icing the cake

Part Three: Covering with Fondant - coming tomorrow...or tonight.